There I was, on my hands and knees. My heart ripped out of my chest. I went from having what I thought was everything, to having nothing. I was completely alone, scared, empty and broken down. I had no more tears to cry. It was 3:00 am on September 15th 2018 that I wanted to die. I chose to give up and throw in the towel. I was done. That was the night that would change my life forever. This is the story, my story, about a lost broken soul that was miraculously found and restored to find a NEW hope, and a NEW future.
“You’re a bad kid. I’m sick and tired of you.” These were the words of my father as he physically beat me.
“I don’t want to be with you anymore. You mean nothing to me. You’re not worth it” These were the words I heard from my ex-wife while in divorce proceedings.
“You will never do ministry again. You’re not cut out for this. I don’t ever want to see you here ever again”. These were the last words from a pastor who dismissed me from ministry.
May 30, 2017
“Pick a card that shows the phase of life you are in right now…”
I walk around the table as everyone is eating, looking at all the pictures that are laying strewn all over. Pictures of trees, carousels, babies, beaches, cars overflowing with people, delicate spider webs, foggy roads… and a solitary girl, standing facing the camera, hand raised to block her face from the camera’s gaze. That’s the one… I realize with a jolt. That solitary girl who is there in front of the camera, but choosing to be faceless. She’s there, but not there. It’s such a sad picture–full of insecurity.
It’s January 2019! Before jumping in to make all those goals and resolutions, I think it’s awesome to reflect on what we want 2019 to represent, what we want this year to stand for.
To that effect, and in what’s become a yearly tradition of one of my favorite communities, Cornerstone church’s young professionals, my words of the year are…
So the new year is upon us. Everyone will be asking, “What’s your New Year’s resolution?” Saying things like “New year, new you!” And pressuring others around themselves to start a change and even bragging about their own deflating resolutions. The gym will be full of people throwing themselves into exercise effort’s to improve their health, kick off the holiday pounds, and miraculously find a way to get those abs showing instead of flab without actually making a permanent change.
So why make a New Years Resolution? Why go to all the trouble of thinking something up when your effort isn’t going to last? Why bother?
For some people November and December are magical months that just seem to defy gravity, their hearts feel lighter, a skip is added to each step, crisp air fills their lungs and their spirit soars above the heavens. They spread cheer and believe everything is a miracle.
But what are holidays like for the lonely, the broken, and discouraged? For a person who just can’t seem to catch a break, and life is slowly closing in on them. This is a season where financial, health, and family seem to work together to derail us from joy. The busy feeling of the hustle and bustle, agitated overworked retail workers near the breaking point, intensified family drama, and the loneliness that is amplified in every moment of this season that seems to stretch forever.
You may have heard the phrase “The straw that broke the Camel’s back” before. While that seems like a ridiculous notion, that something as light as a piece of straw could break anything, there is a breaking point for everything. Camels are known for being able to travel long distances in the harsh desert, and even carry burdens as large as 1000 pounds on its back. A wise owner of any creature is careful to keep it from being overburdened or overworked, but a foolish or unknowledgeable owner might overestimate the Camel’s physical capabilities.
Ever since I was a little girl, I would watch every Disney princess movie, every sappy chick-flick, and pretty much every “happily ever after” film and dream of my prince that would come and save the day–the one who would make my life whole. It’s ingrained in our culture that we cannot be fully whole without being married. Don’t get me wrong, I definitely see the perks to being married and look forward to having that special person to share life with someday, but I have come to realize the danger in society’s warped marital expectation as I’ve seen this mindset play out in my own life.