Anticipation is terrible feeling, something is coming, just beyond your reach and it taunts you from the darkness. 4 years ago, at this time, I was anticipating another year of nothingness, an empty heart, my chest void of joy. If my future could have been described by my past in one word: bleak. I had no joy for life, I was terribly depressed, lonely and isolated.
Over the next few months, I continually cried out to God to lift me out of the darkness, but I sank deeper still. Why did God allow me to suffer? Why did I continue to suffocate in the pitch-black abyss of my own mind? I cried out to God still, I only heard my own weeping.
I called out to the Lord and He rescued me …
Have you ever just wept? Like sobbed your eyes out? Where you can barely catch your breath? When your eyes have so many tears in them, everything is blurry? And then you end up with swollen eyes and a massive headache?
I find myself frustrated in my current season, fighting feelings of inadequacy as I am struggling to move forward into the state of being I want to thrive in. Sometimes, honestly, a lot of times, this season feels as though I am climbing a sand dune. But the sand is loose and the dune angled steeply. I stay in the same place or slide backwards losing visual progress despite my effort. I get frustrated and I blame myself because I see it as failure. I laugh because I get nowhere and am enjoying the exhaustion of effort and ridiculousness of it all.